Wednesday, 18 July 2007

Waterfalls making assumptions with devil's dung

Bessy was up wagging her tale at the crack of dawn today. It seems she has heard about Asafoetida at last, from the blue tits. It's been a long time coming. Margaret wanted Bessy to have nothing to do with any devil's dung, she said, so I was prevented, against my best wishes, from introducing Bessy to said plant.

Felix doesn't believe there is a devil, because if there was one there wouldn't be waterfalls and, since there are waterfalls, there can't be a devil. I said that this bit of deductive reasoning was based on the assumption that the devil could make rivers flow uphill, and that it is questionable if the devil would do that. If that was the case, he said, he'd find another assumption which would prove there was no devil.

George once canoed over a waterfall whilst eating all the words he'd ever said, backwards. It was a right-of-passage ceremony at the age of fifty-three and was intended to prove that despite the large volume of words he'd produced over the years, he could stomach them as well as everyone else. At the same time he was to prove he had a head for heights. He passaged with ease, evidently, though what to, I have never discovered.

Our last patient yesterday tells me he is a water rat with a penchant for standing, Christ-like, against south-facing brick walls. Whether or not this explains the state of his gums, I don't know. I told him off (again) about his smoking habit and lack of oral hygiene, and then asked him if he believed in the devil. He said the devil lives in people who give too much advice in an authoritative manner. Cookie said that was unfair, because there was no crime in making commercials, authoritative or not. I'm not sure what she meant.

Which brings me on to the blue tits in the garden. They're not there. I'm sure there's some devilry in that.


Ichi said...

Please, for the love of all that is sacred, do not deprive Bessy from the benefits of ingesting Asafoetida!

Me mum used it all the time in her favorite family recipe for sweet and sour pickles although if she knew I was telling anyone this, she would surely take me out of this world quicker than it took her to bring me in!

Felix's problem is that Felix doesn't realize that what Felix thinks about the devil is exactly what the devil wants him to think! Ask Felix if he has ever heard of a river that flows South to North instead of North to South as ALMOST all rivers flow as therein lies the truth of the existence of the devil!

As for George, you know as well as I do that he has had his mouth wired shut from an early age, to correct a serious sideways bite condition so he had few words to eat. His "waterfall" was more than likely a small ripple on a pond. You know how George exaggerates with him being Italian and only being able to speak in sign language.

I have to protest though, I did NOT say I was a water rat! And you need to tell Cookie to lay off feeding the NO2 after the patient is already delirious!

Stan Johns said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Stan Johns said...

Previous comment deleted due to unpardonable error in my grammar.

Dear Ichi,

It's very nice of you to leave a message, especially one so in the spirit.

I think I must have come across a jar of your mother's pickles because this is what hooked me to the delights of the often (in my view) mis-maligned Asafoetida. Hoorah to mothers who make wonderful pickles and other tasty things.

Felix is, it is true, sometimes somewhat confused. I don't press him too much on the intricacies of his anti-devil belief system, for fear of the consequences to our friendship. I have a feeling he is sceptical, too, of the humble compass's assertion that north is indeed north. But I couldn't be certain.

Regarding George, I think even if his mouth had been wired shut, he'd have assembled a veritable baggage of vocabulary to share with the world.

Finally, I'm glad you popped in the other day. I didn't want to mention you by name (even pseudonym). If you say you are not a water rat, you must excuse me. I must have got you confused with someone (or thing...?) else.

Thanks again for calling in. All the best from all of us here at the surgery.