Wednesday, 1 August 2007

Spirilevation whilst fixing a washing machine

Bessy had taken it upon herself to fix the washing machine, the spin cycle of which appears to be defunct. She thought she could do this by pushing it out into the garden and trapping a pigeon inside and then chasing it round and round until the spin cycle continued unaided. The pigeons stayed away and Margaret got in instead. It was a bit cramped but they were still at it when I left to visit Felix.

Felix says there are people who spend their lives spinning. I asked if that wasn't a bit pointless. He poured me a cup of tea and said I could answer that myself.

George once exported washing machines to an uninhabited island in the Pacific. There was a rumour at the time that a rarely seen phenomenon called a Spontaneous and Unforeseen Population Explosion was about to take place there. I asked if the members of said population would be fully clad when they exploded. George said it was only people like me who envisaged humans of any population running around without a well-tailored shirt and trousers, or beautifully sewn dress. The machines are still there, apparently, and used for some sort of gull to lay eggs.

Cookie has invented a new instrument for the surgery. It is called the Spirilevator and is intended, at the same time as elevating a tooth from its socket, to lift the patient to a higher spiritual level. It looks very much like my conventional elevator but with pretty symbols engraved on the handle.

Mrs Hellovajob, whose spirit was very low on account of her being a miserable person, was unaffected by the instrument, despite my best attempts to give her a fair go. Cookie looked a little disappointed that spirilevation had apparently failed in this case. I suggested the combination of local anaesthetic, pushing, and blood, had conspired to delay the onset of said spirilevation but it would no doubt come. Cookie consulted the yew tree and came back to say spirilevation had nothing to do with the pointy bits on churches so they wouldn't get involved. I'm not sure I followed.

But there has to be something that links the chasing of a higher spiritual place and trying to generate the self-momentum necessary to keep a washing machine spinning. I suppose it's optimism or speculation, or the fear of explosions of some description.


The OE said...

The rebel base came with an old washer and dryer. Coupled with the washer and dryer this secret agent already owned along with the new ones he just bought this has resulted in a dearth of basement space.

Stan Johns said...

Dear OE,

Rebel washing machines, old or new, provide endless amusement on otherwise tedious assignments, Felix tells me. As for bringing your own, there's nothing like sharing with the enemy, I'm told. Margaret warns about mixing your colours, though.

All the best,